And I feel like I"m the one to blame... I...He told me he was depressed...but he would never say what about...only that he wanted to kill himself... I fooled myself into thinking it was just the medication talking...He pulled through it before...or so I thought...My father and I never had an emotional relationship so I felt like I didn't know what I could do for him if anything... I thought...he was smarter than this...that he had the brain power to heal himself... He kept telling me that he wasn't that strong, but I refused to believe...I believed in the power of his soul and essence...Or was I fooling myself...I don't know..............I just don't know...................................................
2 comments:
OMG Chris - I am so sorry to hear about this! But you can't blame yourself! As children, we always look at our parents as strong and being able to handle any challenge - they are the ones we turn to for comfort, strength & to feel safe...just as my kids look to me & my hubby for the same. So your belief in your father was natural. I can't say I understand how you're feeling with the loss of your father, but I can understand how you felt when he'd say he wanted to kill himself...I go thru that with my father too! I also believe each time that it's the medication talking. As hard as it is to hear him saying those things, it is equally hard to watch him suffering. While I can't see what's making him suffer, I can almost feel it when I look at him as he's going thru his moments of depression. He goes in & out of that state, but it is hard to deal with when he's in it (since my mom passed when I was a baby, my Dad is the only parent I've had or known), so I understand why you wanted to believe in your Dad's soul, power & essence.
I know that no matter what anyone says at this time, it won't ease the hurt & loss your family is suffering thru, but try to keep in mind that whatever was making your Dad depressed, instead of suffering hopefully he is now at peace. No one is to blame for your father's choice to do what he did Chris, but I pray his anguish & his soul are now at rest! My deepest condolences my friend! I'll keep you & your family in my prayers.
I am extremely sorry to hear about your dad. You cant blame yourself though. Sometimes things are our of your control, just remember he is in a better place, free of depression, sorow and pain.
If you want to talk, give me a call.
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